My heart is not yet cured of the plague that is Jenna Case.
Just as I told her that I had bad dreams about Haley, I now have those dreams about her. I woke up from one feeling depressed.
It’s been nearly 3 months. I regret the 10 months we spent together. That I wasted on her.
I regret the memories we made together.
I regret ever meeting her.
I didn’t have the presence of mind or consciousness to stream my thoughts last night. Here’s what went through my head:
WARNING: SYSTEM SHUT DOWN
WARNING: SYSTEM SHUT DOWN
PURGE? Y/N
- PURGE INITIATED
SHUTTING DOWN NON VITAL SYSTEMS
——————————
Never drinking like that again. Ever.
You know the drill
——————————————-
-Activating Stream-
Bed? Check
Pillow? Check
Music? Double check
Tired as all fuck? I bet my sweet ass I am.
Warm body to cuddle with?
ERROR. 404 NOT FOUND
Eh. Nothing unusual.
Anyway, today was kind of crazy, yeah?
In so many words, yes.
Job hunting was as painful as ever. Not a single thing that didn’t require experience… FFFF-
Finn mentioned volunteering.
Yep, checked that too. Especially the zoo.
You rhymed.
I know. But most volunteer places don’t have room for more, what else is new ._.
Just keep trying. Also, you need to get out and do face to face things. Don’t just throw your resume at them.
Yeah, true. I’ll do that. I’ll make a list of places.
Oh dear sweet zombie Jesus what was that?
Stomach just got really REALLY anxious. Butterflies everywhere, butterflies with razor wings though.
It’s painful, why is it anxious??
Operation Nuclear Winter is in a matter of hours now.
Oh that’s right….
Still doing it?
Of course. No regrets. No mercy.
I think I feel malevolence making his way up.
Yeah… Oh well, I’ll keep typing.
-STATEMENT OMITTED-
Don’t want to give too much away. Someone she knows still follows this blog I believe.
3dmusic is the blog name, yes. Dan I believe…?
Possibly. He should stop following me. I don’t know why he does anymore. Keeping tabs on me for Jenna?
Doubtful, but possible.
Well, seeing as she surpassed Haley, I wouldn’t put it past her.
Just wait until OPNW. Then you will feel better
I know I will. So much better.
Can we move to happier things?
Sure. Today was odd. That hostage situation was interesting. Allowed me to talk to a couple of guys that were involved with the PD at some point. I like meeting people with good life stories and lessons.
Speaking of which, you haven’t been back to Pancake Circus in a while. Wonder if Gene remembers you.
Maybe, had a couple of great 3 hour conversations over breakfast with him. But that requires me to get up at like… 6 am.
Yeah… Can’t do that. Sleep is more important.
Indeed. But, I’ll see if I can make it out there more often. Maybe once a week at least. Good routine.
Sounds great
You know what I’m excited for?
Monday?
Yes, but something else now
And that is?
Carolyn coming to visit. Maybe next week or in 2 weeks.
Well with everything bouncing around in here, it seems like you’ve got yourself some plans next week. Finn, Carolyn possibly visiting, and then wanting to spend time with Alaire.
Yep, hopefully we can spend time together. And hopefully I will have the courage to kiss her, and let her know that I’m interested. But more than anything, I hope she’s interested in me.
You need to just let things take their natural course. Stop analyzing.
Can’t help it. I analyze everything, that’s why I’m so good at strategy games, war games anyway.
I know that. But sometimes you need to turn it off
What I NEED is cuddles.
I know I know. But you can’t have any right now. Nobody around to cuddle with you.
Fuck….
Next week will hopefully be filled with cuddles.
Yeah, hopefully. At least Monday is guaranteed, but after that, plans are up in the air.
It will help heal the smaller wounds that are still plaguing your heart
The small wounds… Sometimes they don’t feel small.
I know they don’t.
It’s been almost 3 months. Why can’t she just leave my heart?
Because you loved her with all your heart. In a romantic capacity. It took you a year to completely get over Haley…
I don’t want it to take that long with Jenna. I want her to be completely cut out of my life.
Just stop thinking about it for now.
Think about Alaire, think about Finn.
I am. This music helps too. I think it’s time for bed…
-End Transmission-
——————————————
Emotionally exhausted still. But not unavailable. Yes I’m damaged, but I’m not broken.
Yep! Like I said before, read at your own risk! Data stream/dump commencing….
—————————————————-
God damnit.
What?
Tired. Other things.
Oh yeah…. Well hey, Monday! Look forward to that!
And do what in the meantime…?
…. Yes.
Smartass.
Back to the Pandora station. If I could find a coffee shop that JUST played a station like this, oh god. I’d live there. That would be home.
Maybe there’s one in SF. Sacramento doesn’t seem like the place to have a chill coffee house. At least not with this music.
Well, if I fail at my other life goals, I’ll make a coffee house that plays this station from Pandora.
Good plan, but don’t commit to that just yet.
Meh. You know, The Grey was actually a really good movie imo. I liked how the ending didn’t go Typical Hollywood, the last man standing is saved somehow. He died fighting, he died with dignity and badassery.
Agreed
Just thought of something from DJO.
They have some funny videos. People should watch Dayjob Orchestra on YouTube. If they had a tv show, it’d have to be on HBO. They can’t be censored and still be funny.
Ffff- lost my train of thought.
-Reconnecting-
….
….
….
-Connection reestablished-
This song is nice. And I’d love to sleep, but it’s hard.
HA HA HA! Multiple entendre!
You’re not helping.
Do I usually?
I’d like to think so, but you bring up a good point.
Anyway, Monday. Looking forward to that.
I bet you are
Shut up.
At least I know that it’s ok with Nathan. Kinda. At least he won’t hate me. I’m happy about that.
That was quite a conversation with Fin. It was very deep and it cleared up a few things.
It did. But it brought up something painful…
If you’d stop dwelling on it, I could move it back into the back room/storage where it could collect dust.
-Connection interrupted-
….
….
….
-Connection reestablished-
Go ahead and put it back when I’m done thinking about it.
You feel bad, don’t you?
Of course I do… I worked so hard to not hurt her, and then I went ahead and made a decision without using my head…
Well, not the right head anyway….
I’d tell you to fuck off, but you’re right.
I know. She forgives you for that.
I’m glad she does. But what I did goes against my morals. Even if I am a guy and things can actually get so primitive and simple like that… I’m ashamed. Disgusted with myself even.
Understandable…. Can I please put this away? I’ll even box it up and put it in the Indiana Jones style storage all the way in the back. I just hate seeing myself like this.
Sure. Put it away, forget about it until it gets brought up again somehow.
Good… Just listen to the music.
I am, and it’s nice and calm. Can’t wait to fall asleep when I’m actually able to.
Well, that was interesting.
What was?
What Fin said. About the whole Poly thing. Yeah, Nathan is a good person, but I couldn’t be involved in a sexual capacity with a female to male person. Nothing against him or people like that, I just couldn’t be comfortable with it…
I know, two girls, 1 guy. You want to feel lucky and have some attention.
Yeah…
Nothing wrong with that. It’s not selfish.
Meh… It’ll never happen. I don’t know too many girls, not to mention ones who would be up for that. I don’t need that to happen anyway. Just a nice thought.
Yep, I understand that.
Well… Now what?
I don’t know. This music is nice.
Always with the music…
It is!
Oooo that was confusing.
Nathan is monogamous and whatever that other word is.
OH! She was referring to having me around and being intimate, while actually being with Nathan. Not like.. Threesomes or anything
Well I knew she didn’t mean threesomes, but Poly just makes me think of that.
Right.
Still confused as to what she meant by that last part…
She’ll explain it hopefully. But she needs to sleep.
So do I…
—————————-
Brain decided to die out, can’t think of much more. My internal dialogue has diminished. There’ll be more posts though!
No, seriously, read this at your own risk. It’s rare that I do this, but I am actually just going to start typing every thought that pops into my head below this line.
——————————————————
Where do I start? The beginning? Are you sure? Alright, well if anyone asks, I was forced, and it was your idea. Personally I like starting at the middle. What am I even starting?
I need to turn down the volume on my phone.
Now I need music.
God damn I’m tired…. But not tired enough to sleep. Just tired enough to remove the brain mouth filter.
Today was fun. Waiting an hour and a half for Alaire to show up at the Squeeze Inn. She got lost. My car was unusually hot.
Mini golf was fun, I’m afraid I was almost too much of a dork. Fuck. Why couldn’t I just kiss her? Sure she moved quick but I could have thought of something to grab her attention enough to kiss her. I still can’t tell if she’s interested in me. I hope so.
I need to catch up on RiffTrax sometime. And MST3K. Haven’t talked to Hannah in a while either. She’d be up for a marathon. I’m sure she still has Space Mutiny to….
Now what? Music. Right. I’m afraid if I leave this app I’ll lose this whole thing…
There we go. Aether. Nice and calm.
3:45 in the morning…
What am I doing with my life? Sometimes I feel so alone.
Alone.
I don’t like that feeling. I don’t enjoy the empty bed, being cold without another body to help me warm the bed. Didn’t have that problem a couple nights ago with Fin. Finn. One N or two? I’d like two lumps of sugar with my coffee.
Anyway, that was nice. Didn’t actually mind the fact there was another guy there. Too tired to care I suppose. At least I had someone to cuddle for the night. That’s what I enjoyed. Good company, of someone who cares about me and who I care about. Comforting.
Still alone. Alone now.
This is going to be really long. Sorry Finn. Your tumblr is going to be filled with this post later.
Jenna. Jenna who? Yes. Jenna Case. Miss her much? Eh. Not so much anymore. Why’s that? Don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Syndi. After all this time, she still loves you. Why? Because she misses you, and the idea of you. You were kind to her, treated her well. Her husband doesn’t respect her. None of her other boyfriends did.
Am I a nice person? Yes. This isn’t unbiased, I’m still You you know.
I know.
But yes, you are a nice person. You know that women deserve to be respected. Women who you end up loving, your girlfriends, deserve everything you can offer them from your heart in that capacity. Chivalry isn’t dead.
Not if I can help it.
Good man.
You’re done talking to Syndi. She’s too confusing. Shrouded in bigotry and confusion.
Her religion has corrupted her.
How? How did she change like this?
Just how she told you. She smoked pot one night. It was laced with a hallucinogen. She believed she died, and she saw her friends burning, her own skin falling off. Her friends were too high to tell she was still alive, which helped her delusion of her being dead.
I’ve died before…
And what did you see?
Nothing. Darkness. It all just ended.
Exactly. Even she knows that. But she brought up the fact that “maybe it was so traumatic, you forgot about it”
Did I?
Nope. Nothing was there, she was just trying to put it in place for her religion.
Her fanaticism isn’t attractive anyway. She complains that she has no friends anymore, yet she alienated them because of her “beliefs”.
She had gay friends, now she believes homosexuality is a sin. She was actually mad.
I hate her for that. She caused one of her friends to commit suicide.
She is a horrible person. Just like the rest of those fanatics.
If she ends up protesting at a military funeral, I will personally shoot her with a paintball gun.
Eh. It won’t come to that.
And remember, operation Nuclear Winter is later this week.
Yep, fully prepared, ready to deal with the consequences.
This song is nice. Pandora has a good list.
Still not tired enough to sleep….
You know, I still believe that Finn was mad at me. And I did act like an asshole. I’m sorry. I was stubborn, and foolish.
There’s something else there.
I know. I miss the cuddling from the other night. It was comforting, even if my body took forever to be comfortable and cool down.
Yeah, that sucked. And my shoulder didn’t feel like cooperating either.
I feel so torn. Confused.
What do I want?
Even I can’t answer that one….
She loves you, you know.
I do know. I love her, I just can’t figure out where it stands. It’s like trying to look at the little floaty things in your eyes. They’re only there when you’re not looking for them. That’s how I feel about the answer to that question.
It’s tough.
Yes, yes it is.
What about Alaire?
What about her? I don’t know. I’m attracted to her, but how do I tell if she’s interested? I can’t just straight up ask her, can I?
You’re asking the wrong person. You’ll need outside help for that one.
I figured. I could go to Finn, she would know. She always knows. Even if I don’t take her advice.
I know. How did you feel about what she said about Syd?
Don’t call her that. Syd is dead. There is only Synthia Makarov now.
As for how I felt, I knew she was right. Though I guess it was hard to tell her that I wasn’t setting myself up to be hurt. I couldn’t word it correctly, and she got mad at me.
How do you feel?
Like an asshole.
But you’ve still been there for her, as she has been for you.
I know, this was just a bump I guess.
Just a bump. She forgives you. Now forgive yourself. Forgive me.
Soon.
This song is beautiful. By Gabo apparently. Bookmarked.
What more do I write?
I want cuddles. Depression is settling in. I need someone here.
You know this will make you look insane right?
Only to those who don’t understand me, or the human mind.
Fair enough.
Eyes are getting heavy. Which is good. I feel like a Dean Koontz character. Meh.
I think I’ll leave this music on while I sleep. It might help. It’s calming…
What would be more calming would be cuddles.
But Finn is in Davis and its 4:15 am.
Some other time then.
Yeah… I suppose. I’m happy for Finn. The guy she likes is responding in a positive way to her.
You know Finn doesn’t use those identity defining words right?
I know. I’m still working on it. Plus, I forgot what she wanted people to use.
She’ll always be Chelsea to me though. That girl who I met on OKCupid, and who changed my life for the better in many ways.
She was the first girl I actually had sex with while living my own life. Unlike when I was at Wasatch, or in Spokane. I was free to just live my life and go out whenever. But that’s not what makes her special to me.
So many good memories.
A couple bad ones…
You feel bad?
Of course. I always will.
Which is why you felt even more horrible the other day.
Yep….
I want cuddles…
——————————————
Time for bed… Hope I didn’t come off as too crazy :/ just had to do it.
I remember I used to tell Jenna I had nightmares about Haley sometimes. Nowadays they’re about Jenna, and they aren’t so much nightmares as my subconscious/heart being assholes.
I woke up a few minutes ago from a dream in which for some reason which I cannot fathom, Jenna and I decided to get back together. I woke up and my heart hurt like hell, and I nearly threw up from the pain.
Get out of my heart Jenna. You no longer have a place here.