Constant Confusion

laughingsquid:

Neat Nature Facts

Lol

Up and out of the house at 6 am! Grabbing some breakfast at Pancake Circus, Hot Link and cheese omelette, taters, and some toast :D

Why am I up this early? No idea. But it feels ok. I know I’ll pay for it later though T_T

Taking my car back today to have them look at a new sound.

Now I’m sitting here, waiting for food and being bored. It’s times like this I wish others were awake so I could talk to them

Contacting Server….

Connection Established

Beginning Transmission

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Been a while since I’ve done this

Not too long, but it does feel like forever.

Yeah, kind of weird though, it’s just me talking to myself.

But the only person who reads it doesn’t judge you. And if Dan still follows you, he can tell Jenna this:

Hopefully she’s having fun doing absolutely nothing with her boyfriend in the military. She can’t see him for 7 months, while he’s in the Academy sleeping with other women. That’s what happens, and that’s why people JUST joining never get into a relationship before they leave for Boot(y) camp.

Aw. Poor Jenna. Not really.

Not to mention, he’s going to be deployed roughly about a month after he gets out. Kyle mentioned something about them deploying new troops faster. If not that, then reassignment somewhere else in the country.
Just because she says it won’t happen, doesn’t mean it’s not true.

And here I am, happy with my life, while she’s miserable. I got her tickets to Norway, and she just scoffed at me. Who’s laughing now? I even spilled my heart out to her, all she did was stand there and mock me. I can’t wait to see her when she gets her heart broken. She can guard herself as much as she wants, push whoever she can (me) away just to save herself from heartbreak. But that means it will just hit her harder, and I’ll sit back and laugh.
Did you get that @3dmusic? Please relay that message and then kindly stop following me.

Wow, quite some harsh words.

It’s the truth. He’s with other women while Jenna is alone and miserable. She deserves it. She brought it upon herself by taking what I gave her for granted.

It’s going to take a while for your heart to get over this.

Yep, hopefully not longer than Haley.

Hopefully

Fuck I’m tired.

Gotta get up early to have your car looked at.

Don’t remind me…

Why did you just think about MLP?

That gif from earlier, in the tinychat room

Oh, right. That’s an interesting room

Meh. Feel like I made a bad impression.

God damnit. I did. I just know it

Everyone gets embarrassed.

Yeah but.. Fuck it. Nevermind. Just nevermind.

You should sleep

I’ll try.

—————————————-

End Transmission

As I have been contemplating things, just sitting back and looking at the current state of my life, I realized that as happy as I appear on the outside… I’m dying on the inside.

Not only because my heart just won’t fucking let go of the past, but because of things I’m doing. I’m inadvertently hurting people I care about. You know who you are.

And I haven’t gone a day without at least semi-remembering what I did. That incident has left a scar on me. Sure, I may be forgiven by you. But I will never forgive myself. Ever.

You saw how I was when you told me that night when I was drunk. You said you broke me, and the truth is, you did. I kept drinking because my mind was doing everything it could to control the damage. It’s not your fault, but that’s how bad I feel about it Finn….

I was more willing to drink myself sick, and make an ass out of myself, than relive the things I had done…

You really do mean the world to me. I do love you, I just don’t know in what ways. You tell me that you feel undervalued, but you’re not… You’ve been here for me when nobody else has. When I’ve felt the most alone. Stranded on an island, in the middle of an ocean of depression and heartbreak. The sharks of suicide circling me ever closer…

Yet you were my lifeline, my rescue party. The night I was so close I ending it all, I thought about you. You and so many other things are the reasons I have to live.

You are a great friend, and an amazing person.

Yes, we have our arguments, we have our fights. But who doesn’t? Everyone goes through it… Our friendship is an odd one, I’ll give it that. We have our back and forths. But I’d like to think that in the end, no matter what, we’ve got each others’ backs

I feel so unimaginably shitty for what happened recently, and for the past. I’m never going to forget that…

In other, less depressing and more confusing news: It seems life has tossed me quite an odd find. While I have been going on dates with Alaire, I’m beginning to become less and less attracted to her. She doesn’t communicate, at all. She barely talks to me, still goes days without talking. Not to mention she’s just awkward in general. I really do get the vibe that she isn’t as interested in me as she says.

My gut tells me that she is holding back. There is something else at work. I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s becoming harder to ignore. The only real sign I saw that she was remotely interested in me was when she initiated the kiss right before she got in her car and left. Other than that, when I kissed her she just seemed like she didn’t want to. Nobody could be THAT awkward when it comes to kissing. I mean, she’s already had other boyfriends, and she is apparently on birth control, so she’s had sex. And if her other boyfriends are like me, then there’s kissing during sex. Yet she was the most awkward kisser ever. Pursed lips, almost as though I was kissing her teeth… Wat…

Anyway, back on track: I got a message out of the blue on OKC (two today actually) but one of them was from a girl who shares so many things in common with me. It was uncanny. She even message me first, saying “It’s like we’re twins”

And I have to agree with her there, as scary as it sounds.

Maybe the universe is trying to spare my heart from something with Alaire. Or maybe it’s giving me something better. Either way, I don’t know what to do about Alaire. The interest is still there, but in the end I’m beginning to realize that I probably wouldn’t be as happy as I could be if I pursued anything further.

She talks to people she plays games with more than people in real life it seems.

I’m just confused on how to tell her. Or if I even want to give her a chance to redeem these qualities…

The universe is a mystery. Giving you things that are what you’ve been looking for, but sometimes not at an opportune time… At least seemingly opportune. Who knows, maybe this WAS the opportune time.

All I know is, this new girl is me but with boobs.

Ugh. I need to be up in about 3 hours. Need to get my car looked at because the engine has been making noise :/ 2011 models shouldn’t be doing that yet!

I’m listening to my Pandora playlist again. It will help me fall back to sleep eventually. I doubt it’s even worth it to sleep at this point. But whatever…

I could start a data stream… I might just do that.